To Touch
by various crimes
Summary: One night along the way SanzoxGoku


" Can I touch you?" My beer pauses almost at my lips. " I- I want to touch you Sanzo." How could he continue that thought? I take a sip and try to pretend to ignore him.

"Sanzo." Don't say my name. Not like that. Not in that pathetic beg that gets me every time, as if I were his precious meat bun. He put a hand on my shoulder. When did he get so close to me? I feel the heat of his hand and I can't brush it off. He grips softly and pulls. I don't turn around. He drops his hand and it slowly slides down my shoulder blade before disappearing completely, I grip the can of beer to prevent a sigh. Whether it would have been a sound of relief or of loneliness I couldn't say.

" Please." He whispers. I put the drink down.

"No." I say my voice flat. It tastes like shit.

" But-"

" I said no." I turn my head to give him my best stern look only to see that he is the one giving me a fierce look. I take a step, one that forces me to face him fully. His eyes lose their fury almost immediately as they scan down my chest. If it weren't for these wounds across my upper body he wouldn't have to see me like this. Weak, injured, and exposed. I did not care what I looked like until he began studying me like a scroll that he could unfurl further and further until he discovers everything there is to know about me. I growl and rub my forehead moving the annoying strands of blond hair out of my eyes. He looks up with a blush flushing his cheeks. However, he does not look ashamed, more excited.

"Hey Sanzo?" He asks in a curiously husky voice.

" What Monkey?" I grumble giving up. He steps closer to me seeming to sense that my defenses were beginning to crumble. He kneels on the ground and this surprises me so much that I don't move. He wasn't looking up at me just straight at my stomach, which was squirming uncomfortably. Did I drink too much? I might be getting sick. He raises his arms and gently holds my hips; I feel his warm fingers skim across my bones above the hem of my jeans before he wraps his arms around my back. He was hugging me. Was he doing this because he was upset? I look down worried that maybe something was wrong; perhaps he just wants to be held as some form of comfort. Maybe he does not want to touch me in that way. For some reason I become angry. Angrier than when I thought that he was coming on to me. Was I just a pillow that he could squeeze when distressed or drop off the edge of the bed in his sleep? I gasp when he nuzzles his nose from side to side just under my belly button. He chuckles softly knowingly making his breathy laugh tease my skin. I let out an unwelcome groan. He looks up at the sound, chin now resting against me.

" I think you want me to touch you." He says in an even deeper voice.

" You damn brat!" I grab the top of his messy brown hair and push him away. Panting heavily I glare down at him. Cry, I don't care just leave me alone. He sits where I threw him supporting his weight on his hands with his legs spread laughing a bit louder. He looks like shit.

" You always do this!" He points at me before leaning back on his hands again with an expression somewhere between triumph and defeat.

" Goku." I snarl turning away from him. "Get out." I was not going to play into his game. I know exactly what he meant by that, I know why his laughs don't stop even when his tears stream off his chin and splatter forming dark spots on his light blue T-shirt. I don't have to look at him to know that I am hurting him. But this is nothing compared to real pain. He doesn't move. He ignores me sobbing and laughing hysterically at the same time, splitting my eardrums. The wood floor creaks when he finally stands, just like when he slowly rises after a brutal battle. The quiet takes over the room and wraps me safely in its solitude. He coughs and rubs snot from under his nose. Still I do not look at him.

"Sanzo?" Don't answer. I square my shoulders straightening and tightening my tense muscles that feel like they are going to jump out of my body.

"Sanzo?" He's doing it again. Saying my name in such a way that makes me feel like I am the best thing in his life. I want to shout but I keep my mouth closed. Unlike some people I can control my temper . . . sometimes. I can protect him, I can be his guardian, I can get him food, Heck we can watch each other's backs in a scuffle but this? I feel his eyes on my back. We can't.

" I-" He starts to say something that would be intolerable.

"Don't." I cut him off.

" Fuck You!" He yells so loud that the window shakes. Now I'm shaking. A small snicker bursts from me.

" That's what you want me to do to you, isn't it?" I ask in a cold voice. His mouth parts open in shock. I walk toward him and his eyes widen with each footfall. I will give him an answer, one we can both live with. I reach out to him and grip his chin in a cruel grasp. I tilt his head back to force him to look into my eyes. My violet eyes must appear closer to black in the darkness of my room. His golden eyes shine from the light of the moon and I can see an endless amount of tears ready to flood out again and dim their brightness. I stop. What possessed me to be so cruel? I wanted to trick him, to change the rules of his game. He was always having fun, always smiling, always trying to take me with him. And now I was willing to stomp on all of that to prevent myself from-

He slaps my hand away.

" You know that's not what I meant asshole." He grumbles. I shake my head in a daze. Why couldn't he just leave? I am trying to help him! That idiot. I don't want him to care for me anymore than he already does. I cannot allow that! He must know that I can't be his master. I can't be what my master was to me. It's too painful. That loss nearly killed me. What would happen if I died? Would he suffer the way I did? I back away from him not seeing anything falling into the wooden chair at the desk, as if it was waiting for me all along.

Goku regards me with a funny look in his eye. He steps softly not making a sound over the rushing of my breath and the thumping of my heart. He kneels in front of me but I don't register that he is there until his hand in on my knee.

" I already know." He says gently.

" What?" I splutter. " What do you know?" The beer on the desk looks even more tempting than before.

" I know you don't want people getting close to you." He sighs and gives me a hesitant smile. " I know that the only thing that you are afraid of is. . . is caring for others." I pick up his hand ready to toss the offending appendage away from me but I end up holding on. My hand tightens instead of letting go. I bend over our clinched fingers trying to curl into myself. This can't be happening. He can't do this to me. I don't want to lose anyone else. And now I am crying louder than Goku. Shouting nonsense at the empty room. No, I'm shouting at the only one who truly wants to listen. He pats my head and makes little shushing noises that only piss me off. I finally compose myself and look up. He still has a hand on my head not wanting to stop stroking and feeling the strands slide smoothly through his fingers. He tilts his head still looking at my hair and not my face. I must look like hell.

"Goku?" a scratchy noise comes out of me calling his name.

" Yeah?" His voice sounds perfect.

" Let's get some sleep." His hand finds its way out of my hair and tries to wipe the tear marks from my face. I stand up abruptly and walk to the bed. He stays on the floor until I say,

" Come on." His features light up and his whole body bounces off the ground and lands in my bed disappearing under my white blanket so fast that it makes me dizzy. I get in after him and hug him to my chest. I don't care if he snores, or talks in his sleep, or kicks me, as long as he is there. As soon as I feel sleep begin to settle over me he speaks,

" Sanzo?" the question hangs in the air for a moment before I answer.

" What?" My answer is too gruff but still floats with Goku's word nonetheless.

" You're touching me." He chuckles and I feel the vibration of it through me. The little monkey, does he really think now is a good time for jokes? I hug him more tightly with my hands locked on my own arms caging him in.

" Shut up."

" NO! How come when I want to do something I can't but when you want to-"

I clamp a hand over his mouth and whisper into his ear.

" You've already touched me in more ways than you could possibly know."

~ FIN ~


End file.
